Finding your groove or is that losing it?

This is meant to be a post for part of Kate on Thin Ice finding your groove Tuesday and yes I know I am late but hey Thursday starts with a T as well.

Before I launch into my wails, Kate has asked we sum up what Grooving mums has meant to us - well I think it is a fab idea, it brings together women who are all feeling the same but perhaps don;t want to admit it out loud to those around them, and it makes us think alot more about us, the real people we are and not just us as a mum, makes us realise we are important. Today I feel as if it is one of the things that makes me realise I need to keep going, to keep that determination not to be beaten down and let things get the better of me.

This week I have the expression 'and the walls came tumbling down' whizzing round my head.

I will warn you now, I am not in a good place so this post is full of self pity so read no further if you wish.

I think I was doing really well with finding my groove, and more importantly some of that old confidence, but isn't it funny how one event can destroy all the good work that you have done in one fell swoop.

I have plunged, and fallen backwards, I no longer feel my groove and I think it is going to take a long time to recover it. It has run off and hidden in some crevice or hole somewhere unknown to me.

I don't want to feel like this but events occur and events mess with your head and events leave you beaten.

I am feeling well and truly sorry for myself, shattered physically and mentally. 2 big packs of pringles in 2 days, biscuits and flapjacks for staple food yesterday is not good. I stopped eating pringles months ago when a friend told me there was so much fat in pringles, they don't even burn and it is true, they don't. But sod that thought when I want comfort food.

Perhaps because of this it is even more important that I do find my groove, that I do find that time for me, do the little things that count - only right now I don't feel like it. Give it a week and few nights good sleep and maybe I will begin clawing my way back, I know deep down I have to.

Grooving Tuesday well Saturday!

I am really late joining in Finding your Groove Tuesday with Kate over at Kate on Thin Ice.

I love the idea of this blog hop and when Kate started it, I swore it would be one I took part in each week without fail, and I am still determined to do so even though I am about 5 days late this week which is simply through work commitments and not enough hours in the day.

So anyhow back to the idea of Getting your Groove back.

It only takes a mere 30 minutes a day to take time out. For me I have started running which has had a brilliant effect. Not only do I feel better for it - more alert, less tired, I can also actually feel the start of me toning up so I am feeling more comfortable about my body, and I am enjoying the challenge.

Failing getting 30 minutes for yourself, there is always the simple things in life like a little treat - your favourite breakfast, a shopping trip etc.

Kate has been setting a weekly challenge and this week's was to buy some new underwear. On a walk through M&S looking for something for my Mini Man I noticed there was a sale on and I was right by the underwear and I do desperately need some new knickers.

Now buying bra's is a much dreaded process for me (I will do a seperate blog post about my traumas in this department), but in M&S there were some really pretty bra and knickers sets and I love matching sets and rarely get any. So I thought what the heck. There wasn;t much choice in my size but I went out of my comfort zone and instead of the normal skin coloured ones, white or black, I settled on a dual pack, yes one white but the other in 'hot pink' (apparently). Now I havent got the confidence yet to post a piccy if myself sporting the new underwear like Glasgow Mummy but maybe one day. Mind you if I were Glasgow Mummy I would be showing my fab figure off as well!

I tried the pink ones on and t'husband walked into the room, and his reaction was fantastic and he went off to work telling me he was really cross with me as he wouldnt be able to concentrate all day knowing what I had on which just made my day! Talk about a confidence boost and I have got to say when I wear the pink ones, I do walk around feeling really good about myself. Best of all it cost me £12.00 for both sets in total.

The second suggestion was to visit a volunteering website but I simply have not got the time. All week I have been up by 4.30-5.00am just to catch up on work and I have a list as long as my arm of things I need to try and catch up on when I have time such as reading schemes for kids with ADHD, learning website for special needs, ASD info, support groups, and not to mention my family history.

I started this and have been in contact with  very elderly relatives, one known to me, another who has found me through the research - both are distantly related but one is an old family friend and up until me doing our family tree none of us, including her knew how our families were related and if infact they were. I have now traced her mother. This lady is 83 and I still have to get my research in some kind of decent written form for her, and I am very concious time could be against me. The other lady never knew her father and he is a direct ancestor of mine and my mum remembers all his sisters but not him sadly, and I have been able to provide her with photos she never had. This lady is in her 70's and there is more I can tell her but it is so tme consuming, I need time to sit and do it. Priorities, priorities. So volunteering is something that is going to be added to the list. I have just filled my CRB form in though to help at the school so don;t know if that counts?

I also wore a pretty short skirt for the first time in a long time, not for a special occasion but just because I felt like it, and again a complement from t'husband made it all worthwhile.

Finally just for me I stole t'husband's ipad and ran myself a hot bubble bath and soaked with a glass of wine while catching up on strictly come dancing which I throughrily enjoyed.

 And so onto next week (which in reality is only 3 days away) but I am certainly thinking of me first at times now, and feel so much better for it, thanks Kate.

Mumentum - still plodding on!

I am still trying but seem to have lost all motivation. I think it was the being really good for over a week and feeling good about myself to discover I had actually put 4.5lbs on which was pretty disheartening. I need to kick myself up the bum and get on with it.

People keep telling me the addition of weight is because I have been doing more running and it is the fat turning to muscle which is heavier. I know they are probably right but in the meantime I thought I would share this as I truly believe this is the real reason!!

Hope everyone else has not been infested by these little bligthers and is having more luck than me x

Should of stayed in bed kind of day

That's how I feel today!

In the space of 2 days I have very similar conversations with teachers, and they have just made me want to jump back into bed, pull the duvet over my head and start the day again.
Mini Man is being very naughty at the moment - he doesn't listen, he does what he wants, when he wants, is in and out of bed on a night, shouts, runs away, you name it. I have put this down to suddenly being at school, he is now in Reception and is maybe just getting a bit too big for his boots, dealing with the change of it all and of course tiredness as we approach half term.
His teacher's obviously have other ideas. Mini Man had swimming last night and his teacher was not happy with his behaviour. He messed around something chronic, lifted the rope and went underneath and swam into the middle of his brother's lesson and the teacher threatened to stop his lesson and make him get out, which had a small effect. After the lesson she spoke to me and said his concentration was very bad, he was disruptive and I was expecting her to say he needed to buck his ideas up for next term. Instead she ended with apologising and saying she had the wrong end of the stick and had thought it was his brother (Little Man) who has ADHD and not Mini Man and she would try and accommodate him better next term.

I almost cried. I also had to bite my tongue and as calmly as I could explained it was Little Man with the ADHD, and I had no concerns over Mini Man other than him being belligerent, as he is totally different to Little Man. I felt like asking her if she fancied taking Little Man for a lesson without his medication and then she could see ADHD as it really is, but I didn't, forever polite and far too British, plus I wouldn't subject Little Man to that as it wouldn't be fair on him.

Today, work has gone mad and I feel like I am on a merry-go-round with it, this morning alone I had 53 emails come in about the same thing between 9am and 12.30. So to get to school at pick up and be told by Mini Man's teacher that she is concerned over his concentration, constant talking and short attention span, had me wanting to run for my bed.
Half my brain was thinking 'oh god no, don't tell me we are going to have problems with Mini Man as well, not both of them' while the other half of my brain was trying to be rationale and think 'he is totally different to Little Man, he is capable of learning, reacts in all the normal ways to punishment and you know he is just pushing his boundaries as hard as he can to see what he can get away with'.
We only moved back home to this town a year ago, so not all the teachers know Little Man and as I spoke to Mini Man's teacher it was clear she had no idea about Little Man's ADHD or ASD. I tried to explain and say compared to Little Man I had few concerns, although I do admit they are now growing.

So I have managed to resist the temptation to jump under the duvet, instead getting a 3 month supply of omega fish oils for Mini Man, bringing the reward rocket back out and revamping it, instigating a new bedtime routine that has Mini Man in bed earlier than Little Man, so he should be asleep and not disturbed, and given him a good talking too, oh and lets not forget put the bottle of the pink alcoholic medication for me in the fridge to chill for later :)
I am praying he is not going down the same route. I know we would cope with it, I know if he was showing signs of poor concentration we would only be dealing with ADHD and not the ASD as well, but after a day like today, it was not what I wanted to hear.

Reasons to be cheerful

This week I have to say I am struggling to find my resons to be cheerful which makes me even more determined to find some! Its not because I am a right miserable Mary, I am just not sure why, nothing outstanding has happened really, its been a very run of the mill week.

1. I have been on the Closer diet plan, and really started running and so far managed to put 4.5 lb on and lost nothing which has been really disheartening, On the plus side it has made me look at what I am doing and how I am measuring my success and scales are obviously not the answer. A friend said to me today she uses a tape measure and measures various ppoints on her body to see if there are any results (high waist, low waist, hips and fattest parts of the thighs) so I am going to do this now.
2. I have just done a 3.8 mile run which is the furthest yet. I did have to walk around 3 miles but more as my legs were tired rather than being breathless, so my fitness is improving. My phone mucked up the other night and I thought I had managed a 4.5 mile run and was over the moon until I viewed the route and it appeared I had zig zagged my way through many backgardens and been doubling back on myself (according to the phone!).
3. We saw some really old friends at the weekend and it was like we only saw them yesterday, when infact it was 7 years ago now, so that was lovely. We only managed a quick coffee but hopefully they are going to come over to see us soon and stay.
4. Today, Little Man got out of bed and wondered downstairs and didnt even flnch when Dog bounded up to him and almost knocked him over and nudge him with his nose. This is the same little boy who was getting to the point of being scared to go out doors incase we saw a dog, and would then have a full on panic. Less than a month on he is not even bothered by Dog and takes strange dogs outside in his stride as well. I am so, so proud of him overcoming this fear so well.

So there you go, this is the reason I do Reasons To Be Cheerful as it makes me think about my week and I always surprise myself with what there is to be cheerful about. If you feel the same, pop over to Mummy from the Heart and join in x

Bonding and Post natal depression

The story of my Little Man and Mini Man are taking some time in coming, but here is the next installment.

As I posted about previously Mini Man's entrance into the world was not the most positive experience for me, and following the hysterectomy I was pretty poorly and in intensive care for 3 days so did not get to see him other than on photos.

I know I was very ill and had been through the mill as such, but my experience of having a baby in special care a second time was very different to the first time.

I was quite poorly following Little Man's birth as my blood pressure remained dangerously high for about 4 days after his birth and I was on strict bed rest and medication to start bringing it down. It took about 2 months to completely return to normal but for the first 4 days the doctors were not happy with it. Despite this I was determined I was going to go and sit by that incubator in special care and spend time with my baby, I kept being told off for being out of bed but had the attitude of 'try and stop me, my baby needs me', to me what was the difference sitting in my bed reading or sitting next to an incubator reading (lets forget the walk/ shuffle along the corridor to the lift, and then the shuffle to the SCBU!). I demanded to see him on his first day and was wheeled there on my bed which was pushed into the neonatal intensive care unit and right up next to his incubator.

Second time round though I could not muster the energy or will to go to SCBU. I did not ask to go and see Mini Man, I didn't sit gazing at his photos for hours, crying that I had been robbed of him next to me in a cot etc. Yes I was alot more poorly, I was coming to terms with what had happened, but mostly I think the lead up to his birth also had a huge impact on how I felt.

Again I have previously mentioned this but I got Grade 4 placental previa and from 25 weeks pregnant spent much of my time in hospital. I hated it more than I have ever hated anything else in the world. I was not in my local hospital, I sometimes went for 2-3days with no visitors as Little Man hated the hospital visits, t'husband had few people to call on to sit with him while t'husband visited and no one really offered and if they did manage to come to see me during the week, it would be near 7pm by the time t'husband had finished work, picked Little Man up and got across through traffic to me. 7pm being Little man's bedtime so it was a disaster. When they did come it was also very stressful as Little Man did nothing but scream and shout about wanting to go home, wouldn't be cuddled or pacified so I would end up upset and so would t'husband.

I had pre-natal depression and by the time I had Mini Man I hated being pregnant, hated being imprisoned and just wanted to go home and be a mum to my Little Man. I was left wondering why we had bothered with a second child. That thought in itself was enough to plunge me into the depths of despair as I felt so guilty for feeling it. I obviously did care as I never discharged myself from hospital, the thought never crossed my mind. However I do admit on the days I was allowed off the ward (I had to negotiate to be allowed off the ward to go to the hospital canteen just for a change of scenery and then I had to ring the ward every hour to report back, and if I didn't a midwife would appear in the canteen to check I hadn't done a runner - seriously). Anyhow I use to march round the carpark and do laps in the hope it would bring on labour and they would have to deliver the baby. it didn't work and looking back I still feel a huge guilt for putting myself and the baby at risk. At the time I couldn't see it as I was right outside the maternity wing and stupidly had the thought we had already got through having a 31 weeker.

I laid on my bed everyday without fail sobbing about the situation. I was also incredibly stressed about Little Man's care, our money was fast running out, my parents were 200 miles away and unable to help, we had few friends to call on, in fact it was a friend 200 miles away who said if we needed to send Little Man up to live with my mum and dad until the baby was born she would have him during the day while they were at work. I was besides myself at the thought of him being so far away. One midwife suggested they contacted social services for me and had Little Man fostered out. This was not a good suggestion which she realised later!

I asked to see someone to help me deal with my emotions but both the maternity councillors were on sick leave so my only option was an evaluation in the psychiatric wing which I refused as it wouldn't of lead to any help.

Once I was well enough to leave ICU and go to the normal ward, I was taken to see Mini Man. There was no rush of love, there was no desire to remain every waking moment by his incubator, it was horrid. Two friends came to see me separately and I had to physically remind myself they probably wanted to see the baby and be taken to SCBU. It was all a huge challenge. Even the breast pumping for milk was a challenge.

One night I got locked in SCBU when the fire alarms went off, and I had no choice but to sit by Mini Man's incubator. At this stage he was 2 weeks old, and I had never even seen my baby awake, not through lack of being in SCBU as I was doing the pretence of it all and spending all day up there but simply because he never woke up, even the doctors commented on it and after a week assessed him and diagnosed a large septal ventricular defect (hole in the heart between the ventricles) which was making him so sleepy. He was put on diuretics and steroids to help as he was rapidly losing weight and was not a well baby. However on this night in SCBU the baby in the incubator next to Mini Man was very restless. Master C was a 31 weeker and I had spent alot of my imprisonment with his mum. Master C was born in very good condition for a 31 weeker and was only a lb lighter than my 34 weeker, and over 2lb heavier than my 31 weeker had been. He was very restless though and his alarms kept going off. Nurses kept popping and resetting them and glancing at him. Next morning, Master C's mum and I were chatting over breakfast and her mobile kept ringing. It was an unknown number so she kept ignoring it. The nurses then came to her and said she was wanted in SCBU so we decided to go up together. She was called into a room and told her boy was seriously ill and was only given a 20% chance of survival and was in the process of being prepared for transfer to Lewisham to a more specialised unit. I was stood shocked and suddenly realised that could of been me, us, our baby. It was the shove I needed for the bonding to begin.

It didn't however do anything for my PND. I was discharged the next day and 4 days later Mini Man came home as well. He was a sick baby due to his heart and fed every 1.5 hours as he was too tired to take enough. I was too ill to keep up with him after my surgery. After 3 weeks home Mini Man was labelled 'failure to thrive', I was told to stop breast feeding as my milk although abundant was very poor quality and he was put onto special formula. In the meantime I still plunged lower and lower.

I was sent for conceiling at our local hospital but struggled to keep appointments as I had no-one to look after the boys during the day so I think I only attended 3 and no one followed up with me. My health visitor was useless. I muddle along. I put on a 'face' for the outside world pretending all was fine, but in reality I spent much of the day sat crying and would then spend the last hour before t'husband got home frantically doing everthing that should of been done, and doing a half arsed job of it. I forgot to wash clothes and would get up in the middle of the night to ensure they were dry for t'husband next day, I forgot appointments, to pay things, to go places etc. I honestly don't know how I got out of bed most days, thank god for the kids, thank god for Little Man as he was such a ball of energy I had no choice.

Little Man's behavioir continued to get stranger and worse as well and I began the battle for assessments and appointments. When Mini Man was 11 months, Little man started Nursery and it was just after this I realised I was going to have to do something about myself otherwise I would sink into a breakdwon, I sometimes wonder if I was kind of already having one. I went out and got myself the stronger dose of St John Wort and for me they worked, that and a good kick start to my thought processes. It was a long process. I spent many mornings sat in the car crying after chats with the nursery about how they thought Little Man was autisitc/special needs/needed support etc, I still walked round town and saw pregnant women with a toddle and my immeidate thought would be 'you poor cow, you have no idea what you are letting yourself into'.

In short the first 18 months of Mini Man's life I feel I lost, I did not enjoy it. I hate that fact but there is nothing I can do now about it. I never stopped loving him or Little Man and I never wanted to be without him, but I simply failed to cope well, failed to enjoy life, everything was a massive chore.

Even though the PND is long behind me, I am still affeted bu lack of confidence, self esteem, sense of worth, thoughts of being a crap mum at times, I as a person have taken a huge knock and that is taking much longer to recover.

Getting your groove back Tuesday

So its the time of the week to assess how well I am doing with getting my groove back by adding my post to Kate's linky over at Kate on Thin Ice.

Last week Kate set a few challenges which were as follows:

1. Setting a morning aside to have your favourite breakfast and enjoy it. - I did this on Saturday and had a bacon buttie with t'husband, with brown sauce and it was yum.
2. Writing a word, a sentence of paragraph about something good about yourself. - now I looked at this last week and honestly could not think of anything I liked about myself and instead went down the route of listing everything I hated about myself and set myself a challenge of by Christmas changing that, changing the things I didn't like and making them positive.  They were as follows:
• disorganised
• waste far too much time
• don't get enough sleep
• don't look after myself
• unfit
• don't feel attractive any more
• no confidence
• comfort eats

However, I have spent the week thinking about this and I do need to start liking myself, how can I expect others to if I don't like myself so have thought long and hard to come up with 5 things I like about myself, 5 strengths so here they are:

• I am a good mum, who loves her boys more than life itself and will do anything for them
• I love a challenge, set me one and I am all out to prove I can do it.
• I am VERY determined - this struck me last night as I was running. Running has never been my forte, but I was set s challenge of running the Edinburgh half marathon next year, and last night I completed a 4.5 mile run which I never dreamt I could do, ever, and it is sheer determination that is making me push myself.
• I love helping, I will do anything for my friends to help them out, or family, and often forget about me in the process.
• I am nice, probably too nice but I always see the good in people, I never see the worst, and always try to give the benefit of the doubt.

And do you know, although it took me a full week of thinking of the above, it wasn't that hard and it has made me feel better about me.

So back to getting my groove back, what have I done this week?

Well as mentioned I have continued the running and I am enjoying it. I am slightly scared that without the dog pulling me along I won't be able to do as much but the way I see it each time I go further with the dog it is building my stamina up so it all helps. I also have been trying to go to bed earlier. I went to a wedding reception on Saturday night with t'husband and we sat and chatted and drank together, my brother and sis in law were there so had a chat and boogie with them, and it was good fun. I also set time aside to catch up on Strictly Come Dancing last night while t'husband played his game.

I am getting there, I have a long way to go, as I seriously need to start liking myself, finding my confidence and getting  myself back out there but it all takes time and is better to do it as small steps.

I am glad I didn't write this post yesterday as it would of all been doom and gloom as I had a v bad day yesterday starting with 2 naughty boys before school that had me at the end of my tether by drop off, and then following the poo incident on Sunday, within 5 minutes of being in the playground yesterday Little Man was broadcasting it everywhere and really highlighted to me his lack of social skills when some of the other boys started teasing him and one was quite nasty and Little Man didn't even realise. That really set me off on a downer, I worry so much about him, and yet he is so oblivious which I know is a good thing, however for the rest of the day I felt rubbish, comfort ate and did very little work instead mucking round and procrastinating. This is what I have got to stop. I have to stop one incident affecting my whole day.

I hope everyone else has had good weeks x

Monday's conversation

On the way to school this morning this is the conversation I had with Mini Man

Mini Man: Mum, what is a slave?
Me: Well it is someone who has to do all the work
Mini Man: Like when you go and do a job?
Me: No, not really, slaves don't really get paid to do work, they had to work very hard for not very much, Often someone rich would own slaves.
Mini Man: So what kind of work do slaves do?
Me: Well, you don't really get slaves any more but they had to do things like all the hard work, and horrid work no one else wanted to do.
Mini Man: What things like cleaning, and moving and making things for people?
Me: yes pretty much, why, where have you heard about slaves (thinking that at 5 he was very young to be learning about them in school).
Mini Man: I heard it on the TV.
Me: OK then.

Five minutes later

Mini Man: Mummy, are you a slave?

I'll say no more!!

Where and when to do a poo!

Really! This is something that arose today, and it is times like this that make the Autistic Spectral Disorder diagnosis that Little Man has seem warranted.

We spent the morning in Sheffield watching some friends of ours complete the 10K Yorkshire Great Run, while t'husband and I tried to feel more inspired about training for this half marathon with comments between us like 'It must be a real sense of achievement to cross the finish line' or 'Look at him over there, he is huge and has managed it' or 'If they can do it, so can we' etc etc.  T'husband went off at one point to take some photos of our friends and left me with the two boys.

Mini Man then decided while standing on a wall it was a very good time to do the poo dance which involves shouting 'I need a poo' at the top of his voice repeatedly while clutching his bum and dancing round in circles. Going for a poo was not an option as t'husband didn't have his mobile on him and wouldn't of known where we were. Eventually Mini Man tired of the poo dance and went back to playing only for Little Man to then stand there demanding a poo as well (he manages it without the poo dance but does manage to be very insistent).

Crisis was adverted with the return of t'husband so I was able to whip the boys into a nearby Starbucks, Mini Man performed, Little Man declared he no longer needed one.

Four hours later we are home and the boys are pretty hyper, so I make them grab their scooters, we pick one of Little Man's little girlfriends up and walk a mile in the rain up to some park area called the Stray to give the dog a good run. The 3 kids are zooming up and down the path on their scooters while I throw the ball for Dog. Suddenly I realise that Mini Man and Miss T are stood by a bench on the path and I can't see Little Man. Between me, the path and the road is a massive oak tree, so I decide Little Man must be on the other side of this, closest to the road (although not too close) and in plain view of all traffic and Mini Man and Miss T.

Sure enough I see his head appear and then his body and he is hitching his trousers up while Mini Man is bawling for the whole world to hear that Little Man has just done a poo.

Not quite believing what I am hearing, I round the tree to see a steaming log for want of a better word. Little Man is asking if I have a dog poo bag, and also toilet paper on me. You know when you are a little speechless and don't quite know how to react? That was me. When I heard Miss T saying only dogs should go by trees, it seemed to kick me into action.

I had to get down on Little Man's level, explain I didn't have any loo roll and it wasn't sociably acceptable to poo in public and why. There are toilets on the stray and although we weren't that close we could of been there in 10 minutes. I then went to get a bag, and turned round just in time to see Dog round the tree with his ball, drop it, sniff the steaming log and chomp it down in one hit. To say I was nearly sick is an understatement. Of course all three kids thought this was great.

All the way home I kept impressing that perhaps this was not the best incident to discuss in school! I then explained it to Miss T's mum who promised she would reinforce that as well.

Little Man though, well his reasoning is that he needed a poo so why can't he do behind a tree?

Little Man has done this before but not since he was about 4 when he dropped his pants in the middle of a playground, I must admit at nearly 8 it has taken me pretty by surprise!

Slight wobble with week

This week I have had a slight wobble which I have been trying not to think about and push to the back of my mind but as they say its better to get it out. Its just it makes me feel a bit silly as I have made peace with what happened and it is five years on now, but still it gets me every year.

My Mini Man was 5 last Sunday, my baby, now growing up into a big boy, now at full time school and I miss my baby (although he is not too big yet not to want to climb into my lap each morning, all sleepy for that morning hug).

We had a great party and day, he loved his cake and his present (a new scooter). But what was mummy doing at times - feeling a little miserable and thinking far too much about the past and not the present.

Five years ago on his birthday, I lost my chance of ever having a normal pregnancy, ever having another baby, and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful to of had the chance to have two amazing children, to of even been pregnant, just a shame I never managed to carry to term.

A couple of hours after Mini Man's birth at 34 weeks, I had to be given an emergency hysterectomy. It saved my life, I was in ICU for 3 days, and had 14 blood transfusions so you know, it was the right decision and I accept that, but it still doesn't stop me mourning the loss of my ability to have children, to expereince a full term preganacy and to try for the much wanted third baby. I did initially still have my ovaries but not long after had a huge scare with an unknown growth on one, that they decided to remove it and biopsy it and whipped the other one out at the same time, so the secret thoughts I had of maybe one day being able to afford a surrogate were gone as well.

Thing is I am here, I am healthy and I have 2 perfect boys, what more could you want? And I don't really but it doesnt stop me sometimes sitting, watching and wondering what life would of been like with a third, perhaps a girl. It doesn't stop the empty cot feeling, and the yearning for another baby, or the desire to look after a tiny thing, totally dependent on you.

My boys are growing up and the baby years are now behind us. I think another reason why this year was particualary bad was we always use to say we would have 2 children and then as soon as that youngest had got to full time school we would plan a third and possiby a fourth.

Real question is after a 31 weeker and a 34 weeker with a hell of a pregnancy, would I really of gone on to have a third if I could of? I don't know but deep down I think yes I would of done, but what is meant to be is meant to be.

The night before Mini Man was delivered I was given the option to have my tubes tied, we decdied against it as we felt we wanted nature to take its course and if we were meant to have a third it would work out. I guess nature did take it course but on probably the 3rd most joyous day of my life (1 being my wedding day, 2 being Little Man's birth), I also had one of the biggest loses I have ever experienced, so I guess it is only natural I will be reminded of it and think about the 'what ifs'.

Areoplane cake

Just a quick post as last weekend it was Mini Man's birthday so my cake making skills were put to the test again.

I was asked to produce an aeroplane cake with penguins inside and delta wings! Where do 5 year olds get these idea? Last year it was a high speed train with a red dog driving it. I accomplished this, but this year due to time contraints drew the line at the penguins and I have o idea if I managed delta wings but he was ahppy and didnt mention my failing if I didn't

Here is the finished article which I got to bake at 6.30am, ran to the supermarket at 8.00am for icing supplies and had finished and to the party by 11am. I am not normally that disorganised but was ill at the end of the week and unable to make it sooner!

Elephant in the room

At the beginning of the week there was a real atmosphere between me and t'husband, entirely created by me as well. He wasn't really sure what was going on but was actually sensitive enough to notice it, and approached me about it 2 days later.

The story is I ended up feeling like a bit of a tit but I think with reason and he agrees.

T'husband has a tablet, not an iPad but the Motorola version the Xoom, he loves it, and is always berating me for firing up my laptop or using my phone just to google one thing and keeps telling me to use the Xoom. I never do, I don't know why as I think it is brilliant but I just don't reach for it automatically.

Anyhow, t'husband and I have been getting on really well, yes we had the blip around our wedding anniversary but then all couples do, its never going to be one huge party. I went up to bed on Sunday night and saw his Xoom lying on the bed and suddenly thought I would check the bank account to make sure he had been paid. I was a little late doing it as the weekend had been busy with Mini Man's birthday. 

So I switch the Xoom on, unlock it and the screen flicks up with t'husband's email open, not just on his inbox but an actual email open. There was no missing what it was entitled in large, fancy header basically a chat/dating website for single girls and so and so wants to chat with you, log on now before the message disappears' and then below this a picture of t'husband as his profile picture, the same one as his facebook picture except with me cropped out. I just sat staring, not quite believing what I was seeing. I then went back through his inbox and there were emails right back to March, I found the emails with his user name and password in his deleted items, so I then fired up my laptop and logged in as him, all unread. You would wouldn't you! Thing is there was no activity on his profile, he hadn't registered any details, there were no sent messages in his profile's box, all messages from these girls were unread. I had also come across 4 other dating websites in his deleted items so checked these as well, and each profile was identical, literally, it was the same layout, font, picture, no details. Each site seemed to be linked to one, the same site with different names kind of thing.

I simply logged out of everything, switched t'husbands Xoom off and went to bed. I didn't approach him as I felt I needed time to digest things, plus it was nearly midnight and I knew he had a 2 and a half hour drive in the morning for work. I must admit though I didn't sleep much over night and keep playing it over in my head. The next morning he knew something was up and thought I still didn't feel well, so I didn't correct him. The same in the evening. I still didn't approach this with him, he didn't even use his Xoom which actually went dead during Sunday night after I had used it as I heard it bloody beeping for half the night. I think I was too scared to approach him, I knew I had to but needed courage as I was petrified of what I might hear.

On Tuesday night he got in from work, asked the kids to stay in the lounge and shut the kitchen door and said to me 'out with it, something is bothering you, what is it?' so I told him, I asked him if he was bored and lonely, if he was having an affair. I was greeted not by stunned silence, not by anger but laughter and a 'are you really serious?'. I then explained all.

Guess what there was an explanation and maybe deep down I knew there was as I hadn't gone charging in with accusations. He plugged his Xoom in, got up his email and went straight to his sent items and showed me emails dating back to March at first asking to be unsubscribe, then emails to administrators asking how he had been registered, emails to facebook admin saying he thought his account had been hacked as he had been subscribed to loads of different websites without his knowledge and responses. I never even thought about checking his email sent items. He then also showed me his junk mail, and there were 100's of these messages in there, all marked phisming spam. I have since been on the Internet and googled these websites and apparently when you subscribe to certian things, they get your details and then send through junk mail. there were loads of complaints online, and questions asking what could be done about it. I guess in hind sight it was probably a bit odd he had no profile details, and no activity on the actual site and the majority of messages were dleted unread from his inbox. I then made him check his facebook and the arse had all his folders and photo albums set to public rather than friends only, so he has now changed that.

I am so relieved, he has never given me any cause to think he would not be faithful to me, and he is right when he says he has no time, and he never goes out, so it would have to be a virtual relationship if he had any. I guess the suspicious among you would not buy his explanations but I could see the emails he had sent, the complaints and they were all dated so its not like he is making that bit up, and they plainly say I have never subscribed to these sites, please take me off your mailing list etc.

Now I feel a tit for losing 2 nights good sleep and 2 days work as I couldn't concentrate on anything but that, but I think it was with reason.

Thank god all is OK now x

Reasons to be cheerful

Well another week of reasons to be cheerful, and today I got home smiling from the school run which is my first reason to be cheerful:

1. It is a proper autumn day - I love days like this, the sun is shining, the sky is a magnificent blue, the clouds are scurrying across it, the wind is whipping through our hair and making the kids cheek glow for going into school. It proper blows all the cobwebs away and even better I got home to see a really vivid rainbow over the house.
2. I ran 3 miles last night - yes 3 miles! Actually to be precise I ran 3.11 miles. I am tickled pink. I have never, ever run this far without needing to stop but I did it all in one go and it even involved 2 slight inclines which usually floor me. I am aching this morning as I had to push myself to do it but tomorrow I hope to increase the distance slightly, even if only by 0.2 miles.
3. I am feeling much better in myself for the running I am doing, it is making me think more about what I am eating, and I just feel better and more energised. I found yesterday I did a really good day's work, really focused.
4. I have had an email from an old work colleague saying there is going to be reunion mid November which I am so excited about. We use to all work as forensic scientists and it was quite a harrowing job at times, we did a 7 day rolling week as there was enough serious crime to keep us busy, we were in DNA so we got lots of major crime coming through the door and it made us all very close as a unit, there was always laughter and a joke, and people to keep you grounded when something horrendous came in. And oh my god, writing this and thinking of the date I have just realised I can't go, oh god I am gutted. Its the same night as the surprise 40th birthday for t'husband. Oh crap. Arghh I am no longer cheerful about this now, infact I am gutted.
5. This weekend t'husband and I are getting a night off and going to a wedding reception and I am looking forwards to it. It is an old friend of my brother's who over the years I got to know and then t'husband did, so not only will my brother and sister-in-law be there as well so will some other friends I haven't seen since we really had the kids as they are apart of the crowd my brother hangs around with and we only ever saw them when we were up visiting, so it will be a good catch up time.

Well that's it, I am not feeling quite as cheerful now knowing I am going to miss the reunion I was so looking forwards to, although there is a glimmer of hope as I have just text P, the organiser and she has said 2 others have done the same as me and are double booked so it might yet move - I am praying it will x

I've just bloody done it!

I have just been out with the dog and managed to run 5.1k or for those of us who prefer the old fashioned way 3.11 miles.

I didn't ever think I would be able to do that and I did have to push myself for the last 2 roads, but I did it. I am on a complete high now and already trying to plan a route that might take me a little further on my next attempt.

I think that's it, I have the bug now, I want to better each run even if it is just by 0.1 of a mile.

The dog was even lagging behind for the last 2 roads as well.

I am over the moon, half marathon, you are actually seeming more doable now! I might actually just make it round, got until April to get there so onwards and upwards!!

Getting your Groove Back Tuesday

So this last week has been a bit of a funny one.

Wednesday and Thursday have gone by like they normally do.

Friday I woke up with the worst headache I have ever experienced. I do not normally do pain or illness and normally muddle through but this headache had me floored, literally - at 6.50am I was sitting on the kitchen floor crying in pain. I somehow managed to get the boys breakfast and make their lunches but kept having to disappear to the downstairs loo as every few minutes my stomach lurched. I gave up about 8am and collapsed on the bed crying. T'husband went as far as ringing my dad asking him to come down and take the kids to school. I felt like I had a clamp starting at the base of my head/neck, circling the forehead and just getting tighter and tighter. It honestly felt like my head was going to explode. I simply slept all morning and by 2pm felt slightly more human.

I managed to drag myself into town to organise party bags for Mini Man's birthday party on Saturday and buy stuff for the cake which I should of spent Friday making. I did pretty much nothing else for the day and was back in bed really early.

Saturday was wiped out as it was Mini Man's birthday party so I had to get up early to make the cake (an aeroplane) and the party was 11.30, then people were back at ours so I got no time. However I did take the dog out on Saturday night (under the cover of darkness) and managed to run 2.5 miles without stopping! This is a miracle for me, I have NEVER run that far. I am quite cross with myself as well as I slowed to a walk at the traffic lights and decided to use the downwards hill home as a warm down but think I could of pushed it further. Now there was probably an element of being pulled along by the dog but on the other hand, I like to think there was also resistance as I was constantly hauling the dog back who is not use to a lead - like my thinking there, resistance, harder work!?

Sunday was Mini Man's actual birthday and was basically a family day. Sunday night everything went very pear shaped and caused me to go to bed shocked and in tears - I will write about this later as it turns out I am a dick but enough said - I might call the post An elephant in the room.

Monday was a really pants day. I have a report to write up following the conference I was at last week in Sweden but between last Wednesday and Tues (today) I have managed to write 9 slides, and 2 pages of A4 which is disgusting. I just can not seem to focus on it. I need to have it done by the end of the week and have got to stop blogging and reading blogs and god knows what else. It didn't help that I had this elephant hanging over me which I couldn't get off my mind,

Tuesday - well today has been a little mixed. I woke feeling really crap due to my elephant in the room. I got home from the school drop off all focused on where I was going with this report from Sweden for HH company, but opened my laptop to emails from my regular work supplier with loads of questions so dealt with those and then got a text message reminding me that I had a hair appointment at 11. My first instinct was to cancel but I decided an hour off could go as my lunch and would do me good due to lack of focus.

Hair cutting - wow I have found my ultimate hairdressers. This is my third visit and I have already recommended them to 2 friends who are now hooked as well, and best of all I think you get a 20 or 25% discount for a recommendation at your next visit. They are called Contemporary and I think they are a chain. When you first arrive, they give you a 5 minute complementary head and neck massage. Then its hair wash time, which is on vibrating massage chairs with a leg lift thing. Their hair washing technique is different as well, they don;t just rub your head, it is all finger work on you scalp, and running their fingers through your hair VERY relaxing. After the hair wash, just incase you are not relaxed enough they offer you another 5 minute head and neck massage (complementary again!). Then comes the hair cut with a drink. You come out feeling great. If you re-book within 6 weeks you get 20% off, so I pay about £32 for this which I think is pretty good service. I do have problems with who cuts my hair and have had too many bad cuts when trying to do the cheaper salons so I must admit I do pay for my hair cuts (please note in total brassic times when we are skint, i don't bother with a cut, it is either all or nothing with me, it has to be a good cut). My only complaint was the mirror in front of me - all I could see looking back was a pastie faced, haggard looking witch with bags under her eyes, crows feet and saggy skin which doesn't make you feel attractive, oh and lets not forget the triple chin when I tried to look down to read the mags.

So I guess this was my me time this week. 

I spent the rest of today doing work for the other company and not for the HH company :( I should be doing it now but am blogging which is bad and i need to go to bed. I think I may get up early instead.                                                

I said Tuesday had been a mixed bag because I love my hair being cut so felt very relaxed however I was still feeling completely head screwed so again have done no work. However I spoke about my big elephant tonight with t'husband and am so relieved that I got the wrong end of the stick and things are alright now so I am back on a par, however when things happen I seem to plunge so low and it really knocks me. This is what I hate.

Things I hate about me - I am doing this as I think these are what I need to address and writing it down always helps

• disorganised
• waste far too much time
• don't get enough sleep
• don't look after myself
• unfit
• don't feel attractive any more
• no confidence
• comfort eats

These are just a few and I am determined by Christmas to have challenged each one of these and done something about it.

Thanks Kate for this link x

Mumentum start of week 1 Closer Diets

Well I am still going with this mumentum, although I think the link has fallen by the way side but it is helping to keep me focused so I will keep on writing it!

Last Thursday I joined Closer Diets - Kick start your body back into shape in 8 weeks. It cost £22.00 which I think is pretty good going. This is a summary of the blurb they give on the Closer website about the diet (please note these are my words).

This is an 8 week diet to help kick start you into a healthier lifestyle. It is meant to help you lose weight and feel better, healthier and happier. Over the 8 weeks there are meal plans, each day includes 3 meals and a snack all of which are fresh. They are meant to be full of goodness and nutrients and lower in calories to help that weight loss.

You start by entering your current weight, what you would like your goal to be and you food likes and dislikes. They then send you your meal plans and you get online support. I am looking forwards to the results!

So far the first day was a bit hit and miss for me due to me needing to go shopping so my cupboards were a bit bare so I just looked at the other meals for the week and substituted ones in that I could make with my minimal ingredients. I tried the cous cous which sounded really nice, however I think my cous cous was off as it had a distinctly musty taste (and has been in the cupboard for longer than I care think about or admit) so that meal was a it of a disaster.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were wipe outs which was really disappointing but Friday I was ill - well I woke up and thought my head was being crushed and every time I moved my stomach lurched. After a full mornings extra sleep and strong painkillers, I began to feel better but needed food and didn't fancy much. I was good though and although i did not stick to the diet plans as my body was craving carbs, I didn't just eat crap although it was alot more calorie loaded than the diet would probably allow. Saturday and Sunday we were celebrating my Mini Man's birthday. The party was pizza hut so I stuck to a bowl of salad minus the pasta and potato salads, hubby decided to be nice and surprise me with a takeaway curry on the Saturday night (unaware of this diet), but I only ate half where I would normally have the whole portion and resisted the poppadoms. I had the other half Sunday. So I feel quite bad about not sticking to the plans, but I am back on track today and really looking forwards to weighing myself and inputting my weight on the tracker on Thursday.

On the exercise front, t'husband and I have signed up for the half marathon in Edinburgh which is a joke considering I am not a runner. We have just got a dog who needs lots of exercise so I have been trying to run with him every other day. On Saturday night I managed to run 2.5 miles without stopping. I was so chuffed. When I slowed to a walk I was debating whether I could continue a little further but I was close to home and wanted a bit of a warm down I regret stopping now as I recon I could of made 3 miles at a push.

I have NEVER run 2.5 miles in my life and I am so chuffed, I am chomping at the bit to get out tonight and see if I can push it to 3 miles. Only another 11.5 miles to go but hey its a start.

I am hoping this will have a huge impact on my weight loss as well x